Sickness & Grief: How to Help Someone Through It

This past year has been a year of deaths in my family. My aunt died of cancer in January and my grandmother died on Saturday from congestive heart failure. This is the first time that I've experienced grief in a personal way, and throughout the process I've learned some valuable insights about helping others deal with sickness and grief which I've modeled after the 5 love languages.

1. Time. Keep visits and phone calls short. (Short means 15-30 minutes). Calls and visits from well-meaning folks requesting updates or offering condolences get overwhelming. If a loved one is suffering from a terminal illness, the remaining time is precious. Be respectful of it.

2. Service. In tough times, everyone says "if there's anything I can do to help, let me know." However, few people will accept such a vague offer. When you offer help, be specific. Ask if you can pet-sit, bring by a meal, do a load of laundry, take out the trash/recycling, or pick up some needed items from the grocery store. If possible, offer transportation and/or housing for out of town guests/relatives. If you're a coworker, pick up their shift or offer help on projects/tasks that are due. If you're a boss, extend grace.

3. Gifts. While flowers and cards are nice, there are more practical items you can send or lend. Hours of watching at someone's bedside can be heavy and stressful. Send a snack basket or bake a plate of cookies. Lend a soothing or uplifting CD (classical music or gentle praise songs are good choices). A scent-diffuser to provide aromatherapy can be helpful to mask sick-room smells, but be sure to clear it with the family and/or medical staff first.

4. Touch. Give hugs. Long, healing hugs. If appropriate, hold them when they cry. Cry with them. Sorrow with them. Place a reassuring hand on their shoulder or arm. Make sincere, unfaltering eye contact. Communicate compassion through your body language.

5. Words. Don't just say, "I'm praying for you." Text them an encouraging scripture verse. Call them and say a short prayer over the phone. Stop by in person, lay hands on them and pray. Listen to them. Be silent with them. Laugh with them. Reminisce and share memories with them. Like time, words are precious. Don't spout off insincere platitudes. Conversely, don't get into the comparing game. A simple "I know what you're going through because I went through it with my loved one," is sufficient to lend credibility to your empathy.

Grief is a funny thing and everyone deals with it differently. Some people want to be still and quiet and alone with their grief. Others want to get away from it by surrounding themselves with people or distracting themselves with work. Whatever the strategy, you can help people dealing with sickness and grief by being respectful of their time, offering specific services, sending practical gifts, communicating compassion through touch, and keeping your words brief but sincere.