An Ever Present Help

I always return to this blog when I need to sort through my thoughts; to disentangle the frenzy of worries, impressions and emotions. Last time it was a loss in the family. This time a temporary derailment caused by some unexpected health issues. 

It all started with unexplained weight loss and shortness of breath, which I attributed to deconditioning due to a string of consecutive illnesses. (Viral pharyngitis followed by an upper respiratory tract infection followed by sinusitis). However, when I almost passed out waiting for the bus after work, I realized something was wrong.

The next day while working at the hospital, I had my first episode. Shortness of breath, dizziness/lightheadedness, rapid heartbeat, sweating, and tingling in the neck, abdomen and extremities. By God's grace I was at a nurse's station when the attack occurred. Instantly, I was surrounded by doctors and nurses assessing, taking vitals, and arranging transport to the ER.

The following few days were a roller coaster of blood tests, imaging, consults and conflicting diagnoses. The ER practitioner, after reviewing electrocardiograms, chest x-rays, blood tests, and asking about my busy schedule, promptly diagnosed me with a panic attack. I wrestled with the shock of her words. A panic attack? My pride rejected the thought. It conjured medieval images of hysteria and wandering womb.

I'm not an anxious person. Sure, I was working full time, taking an online class, volunteering with two different organizations, taking salsa lessons along with juggling church, small group, accountability group, road trips with our exchange student and the world of online dating, but I'm an organized person. I felt in control, albeit somewhat exhausted from the never-ending merry-go-round of to-do lists and activities.

My doctor, although agreeing that the symptoms were consistent with a panic attack, leaned more towards SVT (supraventricular tachycardia). It was common in young, otherwise healthy women, and could explain the heightened pulse with activity. I grasped at the possibility. Could it be that it was simply my heart? I understand that panick attacks are a real thing people suffer from. However, my pride couldn't accept the fact that my own body would betray me like that.

Throughout the ordeal I received many calls, e-mails, texts, and cards expressing well wishes and prayers. I'm blessed to have such a strong support network of friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and church members. I dropped my Linguistics class, took several days off work, and cancelled my social engagements. For five days I had to relearn how to stop, breathe, and do nothing except rest. I'd almost forgotten how. The hardest part was the anxiety of not knowing what was causing the attacks or when the next one would occur, leaving me helpless and gasping like a fish out of water.

On the nights when I lay awake stewing in fear, researching on my phone, and wondering what the true diagnosis was, God brought Psalm 46 to mind. "God is a refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear...God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns." This passage was my anchor in the midst of uncertainty.

I slowly started picking up the pieces of my derailed ego. I went back to work on restrictions. Weakened by the ordeal, I had to learn to ask for help and set limits. To explain to people why I couldn't take the stairs. Why I had to park at work instead of taking the bus. Why I always had to sit down and rest. Why I had to say no to tempting activities in favor of going home and resting instead.

After days of wrestling, I was finally able to lay aside my pride and make peace with the fact that these episodes might very well be panic attacks. If they are, I praise God because he used them to derail my prideful self-sufficiency and realize my dependence on Him. If it's my heart, He is equally sovereign and I know He will use this experience for His glory and my growth.

Sickness & Grief: How to Help Someone Through It

This past year has been a year of deaths in my family. My aunt died of cancer in January and my grandmother died on Saturday from congestive heart failure. This is the first time that I've experienced grief in a personal way, and throughout the process I've learned some valuable insights about helping others deal with sickness and grief which I've modeled after the 5 love languages.

1. Time. Keep visits and phone calls short. (Short means 15-30 minutes). Calls and visits from well-meaning folks requesting updates or offering condolences get overwhelming. If a loved one is suffering from a terminal illness, the remaining time is precious. Be respectful of it.

2. Service. In tough times, everyone says "if there's anything I can do to help, let me know." However, few people will accept such a vague offer. When you offer help, be specific. Ask if you can pet-sit, bring by a meal, do a load of laundry, take out the trash/recycling, or pick up some needed items from the grocery store. If possible, offer transportation and/or housing for out of town guests/relatives. If you're a coworker, pick up their shift or offer help on projects/tasks that are due. If you're a boss, extend grace.

3. Gifts. While flowers and cards are nice, there are more practical items you can send or lend. Hours of watching at someone's bedside can be heavy and stressful. Send a snack basket or bake a plate of cookies. Lend a soothing or uplifting CD (classical music or gentle praise songs are good choices). A scent-diffuser to provide aromatherapy can be helpful to mask sick-room smells, but be sure to clear it with the family and/or medical staff first.

4. Touch. Give hugs. Long, healing hugs. If appropriate, hold them when they cry. Cry with them. Sorrow with them. Place a reassuring hand on their shoulder or arm. Make sincere, unfaltering eye contact. Communicate compassion through your body language.

5. Words. Don't just say, "I'm praying for you." Text them an encouraging scripture verse. Call them and say a short prayer over the phone. Stop by in person, lay hands on them and pray. Listen to them. Be silent with them. Laugh with them. Reminisce and share memories with them. Like time, words are precious. Don't spout off insincere platitudes. Conversely, don't get into the comparing game. A simple "I know what you're going through because I went through it with my loved one," is sufficient to lend credibility to your empathy.

Grief is a funny thing and everyone deals with it differently. Some people want to be still and quiet and alone with their grief. Others want to get away from it by surrounding themselves with people or distracting themselves with work. Whatever the strategy, you can help people dealing with sickness and grief by being respectful of their time, offering specific services, sending practical gifts, communicating compassion through touch, and keeping your words brief but sincere.

In Memoriam: A Tribute to my Grandmother

My grandmother passed away last night. "Passed away." It sounds so poetic. A watered-down version for inquiring acquaintances. But when you walk into the room after hours of death-watching and see the sunken sockets, the discolored extremities, the gaping mouth where breath has stilled, somehow "passed away" doesn't capture the rawness of it.

My grandmother was a follower of Christ and a woman of faith who embodied 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. She was patient with my quick-tempered grandfather for 50-plus years of marriage. She was kind to her neighbor's mentally-handicapped daughter who called her every morning for 20-some-odd years. She did not envy the lives of others--she was one of the most joyful and content people of my acquaintance, finding fulfillment in being a social worker and later a wife, mother, and active member of her community. She did not boast nor was she arrogant though she had a master's degree at a time when roughly 5% of American women had college degrees. She was never (intentionally) rude though at times her outspoken honesty combined with being hard-of-hearing caused some funny faux pas! She was not self-seeking--even on her deathbed, rather than talking about herself, she asked visitors and nurses about themselves, their children, and their grandchildren. She was not irritable or resentful when the nurse at the hospital forgot to page the doctor to request her cough medicine. Instead, she congratulated the same nurse on her upcoming nuptials at the shift change. She never rejoiced at wrongdoing, nor condoned it when her grandchildren misbehaved. (On the contrary, she was not above administering discipline when the situation called for it!) She rejoiced with the truth, closing her eyes when I read her scripture on Sunday mornings and raising her hands in worship when I played hymns and praise songs on YouTube. She bore, believed, hoped and endured to the end.

I'll miss watching NCIS and the Hallmark Channel with her. I'll miss setting in the kitchen reading her the funny papers. I'll miss her eggs benedict and pecan pies. I'll miss her tirelessly asking me, "meet any boys?", I'll miss her outspoken opinions, her sense of humor, her untiring interest and loving presence in my life. See you in heaven, Grandma.

Husband Hunting

As a teenager, I created a list of characteristics I desired in a future spouse. Between my journal's floral covers, I filled pages with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual qualities. Reading that rose-colored list years later, I smile at some of the things I scribbled. Blue eyes, intelligent, loves animals, strong faith, a good dancer... While I still admire those traits, I've realized that a good husband is four things. When searching for a future spouse, I seek someone who will love, lead, provide and protect.

Lover 

I want someone who loves me unconditionally in spite of my flaws. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies." --Ephesians 5:25 & 28

Leader 

I desire a man who values and considers my opinions, but ultimately has the courage to make wise, prayerful decisions regardless of my (or anyone else's) personal preferences. "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body." --Ephesians 5:23

Provider 

While responsible finances are an important foundation for building a marriage, they are also an excellent litmus test of a man's character. If a man is selfless with his money, it indicates strong faith and a love for God that is stronger than a love for His gifts. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." --Matthew 6:21

Protector 

As the spiritual leader of the family, the husband is responsible for protecting his wife not only physically but spiritually. "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." --Ephesians 5:25-26 

If I can find a man who embodies these four things, I will consider myself a blessed woman. But even if I never find him, I have a yoke-fellow who is my eternal sufficiency.

"For your Maker is your husband--the LORD Almighty is his name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." --Isaiah 54:5

Waiting...

This blog post speaks my heart.

http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

I am twenty-two years old, and have never been in a real romantic relationship. I don't say that boastfully. I don't say it regretfully. What I do regret is this: my pride.

I watched girls flirt and throw themselves at men, and vowed I would never be like that. 

I made lofty resolutions with my female friends and sat in self-righteous judgments when others didn't do the same.

I watched time after time as Christian guys chose gorgeous, shallow, self-centered girls over plain, mature women of God and seethed at the injustice.

I feared letting men see the broken, sinful side of myself.

If you find yourself where I was: let go of pride. Let go of judgment and anger and cynicism. Cultivate godly male friendships; don't shun them out of fear. Let the love of Christ fill your heart 'til it dissolves all things petty and unworthy. The end isn't love, marriage, or baby carriages. The end is Christ.

Pride and Effect

They say that hindsight is 20/20. I wish hindsight was blind. Until recently, my life was a clenched fist. A tightly-corseted body of vague Victorian ideals and legalistic notions of propriety. I didn't want to look back on a life of foolish regrets, so I set rules for myself and strove shamelessly to please and perform. I scrimped and restrained in the name of self-righteousness, but sometimes in the process of avoiding regrets, we miss life.

Recently my fists have started to loosen. Little by little, the circulation returning to palms scarred from years of clenching. I've discovered that it's not a sin to say "yes," and that people are more important than to-do lists. I've learned that life is not meant to be shackled or laced to fulfill  pharisaic pride, but to run unbridled in the paths of the Master's command (Psalm 119:32).

Regrets bite the hardest, and lost opportunities can be the most painful.
I wish I had said "yes" when my brothers invited instead of staying at home...
I wish I had spoken to that stranger...
I wish I had tarried to speak truth into a friend's life instead of hurrying past, caught up in my own busy schedule...
I wish I had plunged into the water instead of simpering on the shore...
I wish I had fellowshipped rather than excusing myself under the pretext of unfinished homework...
The regret list is endless.

Jesus was never too busy for the needy and broken; He was never too pious or proper to dine with the outcasts. He lived a life of no regrets, and through His forgiveness for lost opportunities and a fresh chance-filled future, so can I.

The Prosperity Gospel of God's Will

God's will. The elusive goal of every Christian. What school to attend, what career to choose, whom to marry, where to live, what church to join, the list is never-ending.

We wait hopeful; expectant. Uncertain of specifics, but positive that it's going to be good. After all, how many times have we heard Jeremiah 29:11? "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Or what about Ephesians 3:20? God is able to do "above and beyond all that we ask or think."

We get caught up in this self-created image of fairness. If I follow God, He will bless me. God loves me, so He will bless me. Though His plans are good and perfect, they are not always what we want or expect.

What about all the other instances in the Bible where God's will wasn't so pretty? Job lost his children, his possessions, and was inflicted with sores, Isaiah was sawn in two, Jeremiah was stoned, Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego were thrown into a fiery furnace, Amos was tortured and killed, John the Baptist was beheaded, Mark was dragged to death behind horses, Luke was hung, John was boiled in oil, Peter was crucified, James was thrown from the roof of the temple, James was beheaded, Bartholomew was whipped to death, Thomas was speared, Jude was killed with arrows, Matthias and Barnabas were stoned, and Paul was tortured and beheaded. All these believers followed God's will for their lives. He could have spared them, but He chose not to.

These are stories where people willingly followed God, often knowing His plan would most likely end in death. In the mouths of these believers we find two of the most powerful, faith-filled statements in the bible:

Job sat in misery, bereaved of his family and his health and declared, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him..." (13:15a).

In Daniel 3:17-18 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego recognized God's ability to save them from death, but they also realized He might not choose to use it: "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

We are not promised a steady job, a blissful marriage, or a perfect church, but one thing is certain. For better or for worse, the Lord will fulfill his purpose for us if we follow Him in faith.

Letting Go

Have you ever carried a burden? A burden so great that it made your chest hurt and caused you physical problems from stress? I have. Then yesterday I realized something. I don't have to carry it.

Human beings are funny creatures sometimes. We go through life accumulating burdens, adding to our ever-increasing load, then wonder why we feel stressed and burnt out.

For a long time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't understand why the zest had gone out of life--why I felt like there was a giant stone sitting on my chest all the time. The burden I carried was hindering my physical, emotional, and spiritual life.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” --Matthew 11:28-30

Though Christ never promised the Christian life would be free from burdens, He did promise He would give us rest, and His burden is so much lighter than the ones we inflict on ourselves--the burdens we were never meant to carry.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith" --Hebrews 12:1-2a

The race is already marked out for us, dear friend. We only need to let go of the burdens that hinder, fix our eyes on Christ, and run.

Stitches of Faith

Eyes squinting, I count the stitches. Over one, two, three; up four, five. I glance once more at the pattern. The tiny black and white shapes blend before my eyes in a swirl of confusion. Despairingly, I glance back at the floss-riddled fabric in my hands. It doesn’t look anything like the pristine model in the picture. 

Maybe if I change this part and add a few more dark patches here it will even out. In hasty confidence, I forge ahead. However, my ingenious improvements only succeed in worsening the tangle of threads. In abject repentance, I painstakingly pick the prodigal stitches with my needle. Cut and pull, cut and pull.

I glance again at the pattern. The limp material in my lap doesn’t look anything like the model, but placing my trust in the Designer, I submissively follow the steps laid before me. Every so often I glance at the flawless photo of the Designer’s creativity with the faint hope that mine will turn out the same. 

Several hours later I gaze at the masterpiece before my eyes. What I thought was an oversight on the Designer’s part was really part of an intricate plan in the mind of an artist greater than myself. All I needed to do was have faith in the plan of the Designer.

 

Life in Peru

 

How did the biggest homebody in the world pack her bags and fly solo to Peru to teach English for two and a half months? It´s a long story.
. 


 

The first month was a struggle. Getting up at 5:30 every morning, dealing with multiple sicknesses, and spending six consecutive hours in a room with 25 first graders was trying to say the least.



 

Only when I reached the end of my strength and cried out to God did I experience true joy and peace.



 

Bodies adjust, sicknesses heal, and God gives us the patience and endurance we need to carry on.





 

Although two and a half months may seem like an eternity, compared to eternity it is simply a breath.

 

Right now, God has given me a task to do here in Peru. My duty is to follow His will in trust and obedience...

 

 

...always having faith that the trivial trials I experience now will turn into a harvest of spiritual fruit later on.



 

I can only thank God for this incredible opportunity, and continue listening to His voice to ascertain the next step.

"Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or the left; turn your foot away from evil." --Proverbs 4:25-27

Real vs. Ideal

When I arranged to stay in Peru for two and a half months to learn Spanish and be an assistant English teacher at a Christian school, I never dreamed of how it would turn out. In my idealistic mind, it would be a beautiful union of Christy and Anne of Green Gables. The children would be a little rebellious at first, but then I would win them over with my gracious spirit and we would sing and dance through fields of flowers. (Well, I didn't quite expect that, but I didn't expect a room full of running, screaming, hyperactive six-year-olds) I also expected to pick up the language in two weeks and be fluent by the end of two months. After looking at twenty-five chattering, bickering children, and glancing over the endless pages of my Spanish-English dictionary, my expectations have taken a serious beating.

After numerous failures of controlling my tongue around disobedient students and struggling through grammatically incorrect sentences, I've taken humility off the shelf and given it a good dusting. However through realizing that I'm not a child-charmer and I'm certainly not a fluent Spanish-speaker, I've learned that when things seem impossible, it's because I'm measuring my goals against my own abilities. It's not my own abilities that will give me the gentleness and patience I need to teach first graders, and it's not my own abilities that will help me memorize a Spanish-English dictionary. It's God's. When I try to do things in my own strength, I will always fail. Only through relying heavily on Christ can I know that even if the children scream and fight, and my brain won't absorb what I study, I can make a difference in one child's heart, and I can learn, word by word, to speak another language with the Lord's help. This is what gets me through every day. The knowledge that I don't have to do things in my own strength, but in the strength of Christ working through me.

A Disciple's Renewal

This blessed me this morning. I hope it blesses you.

O my Saviour,
Help me.
I am so slow to learn,
    so prone to forget,
    so weak to climb;
I am in the foothills when I should be on the heights;
I am pained by my graceless heart,
    my prayerless days,
    my poverty of love,
    my sloth in the heavenly race,
    my sullied conscience,
    my wasted hours,
    my unspent opportunities.
I am blind while light shines around me:
    take the scales from my eyes,
    grind to dust the evil heart of unbelief.
Make it my chiefest joy to study thee,
    meditate on thee,
    gaze on thee,
    sit like Mary at thy feet,
    lean like John on thy breast,
    appeal like Peter to thy love,
    count like Paul all things dung.
Give me increase and progress in grace
so that there may be more decision in my character,
    more vigour in my purposes,
    more elevation in my life,
    more fervour in my devotion,
    more constancy in my zeal.
As I have a position in the world,
keep me from making the world my position;
May I never seek in the creature
what can only be found in the Creator;
Let not faith cease from seeking thee until it vanishes into sight.
Ride forth in me, thou King of kings and Lord of lords,
that I may live victoriously, and in victory attain my end.

-excerpt from the Valley of Vision

Burnout

I have literally written hundreds of pages this semester. Analytical papers, research papers, book responses, short stories, peer reviews--you name it, I've written it. There are nine days left in the semester. I am two 10-page papers and four final exams away from freedom. And I'm burned out.



So yesterday I took a bottle of bubbles outside, breathed a prayer through the glistening wand, and watched my cares spiral away on the wind.



Then this song came to my head:
"Oh soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior,
and life more abundant and free..."



"...Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
look full in His wonderful face,
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His glory and grace..."



Even though I am weary and jaded, these short nine days are nothing compared to eternity. In one hundred years I won't look back and say, "I got a 93 on my research paper," or "I got an 87 on my Grammar Final," because it won't matter. These temporary cares are like bubbles: they spin in a dizzying dance, fade, and disappear. The only thing that matters is Jesus.

Are you weary and care-worn? Burdened by worry and fear? Cast your cares upon Him, dear friend, for He cares for you.

April Fools a.k.a. Lying Day

April Fools = a day for fun, harmless pranks.

For example: switching the shampoo and conditioner, making a mashed potato sundae, putting food coloring in the milk, switching dresser drawers, putting tissues in the toes of shoes, adding a squirt of lemon juice to water, changing the clocks, etc.

April Fools is NOT a day for lying.

For example: telling people you're pregnant/engaged/in a relationship, you got seriously injured, sent to jail, had a family member die, or flunked out of school. These are not jokes. These are lies. There is a difference.

April Fools can be a great opportunity for fun and bonding with friends and family. It can also be a field day for the devil--the father of lies. Telling people, especially children, that it is wrong to lie every other day of the year, but it is okay to lie on April Fools, is setting a double standard that cheapens the truth. Let us never believe the lie that it is okay to lie.

What do you think about April Fools day? Has anyone ever played a mean trick on you? What is a fun memory you have of April Fools?

Cheerful Giving

Growing up I never had an allowance. My siblings and I had an assigned allotment of chores, and, if we chose to do so, we could do extra chores for money.

When I entered high school, I didn't get the traditional waitressing or fast food job. I babysat for various church groups and taught riding lessons. I loved my jobs and was grateful for the creativity and flexibility they offered. But because I didn't have a set amount of hours, my income fluctuated. Some weeks I would make around a hundred dollars, others I was lucky to make ten.

My parents had always taught me to give 10% of my money back to God. However, the unsteadiness of my income made it difficult to tithe accurately. Most times I would roughly calculate the tithe in my head, always adding a few dollars to make sure I wasn't cheating God of His due. Gradually, my giving became less regular. I would give $20 or $30 here and there every few months, and a little extra at Christmas. My spending habits, though giving the impression of frugality, were unstable. For months I would scrimp and save every penny, then go on selfish spending splurges.

This past year, God convicted me of my avarice. I owe everything I have to God--my money, my time, and my life. I want to give cheerfully of all three. So I have committed to give 25% of my income to God. In addition, I want to devote more of my time to Him. Not only through serving, but by giving him the praise and worship due His name. I want to be like the cheerful giver in 2 Corinthians 9:7. "Each one must give as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

Have you been cheating God of something? Time? Money? Worship? Purpose to give sacrificially in one of these areas, not reluctantly but with joy and cheerfulness of heart. :)

Southern Hospitality

The Sunny South. Known for its juicy peaches, sweet tea, and good ole hospitality. However, the other day a Peruvian friend of mine made the comment that people in the South are not very friendly. At first, I was taken aback. Aren't "southern" and "friendly" synonymous? But then I thought about it. For some time I have watched the decline of hospitality. There are a number of possible reasons: prejudice against immigrants, suspicion of strangers, a faster pace of life. But the fact remains. Hospitality is a dying art.

The culture in South America is hinged around hospitality. During my mission trip to Peru, I was surprised at the warm reception our team received. At church on Sunday, people whom we had never met before came up to us smiling, hugged us, kissed us on both cheeks, and welcomed us. They ate with us, worshiped with us, worked alongside us, and prayed for us.

They put me to shame. How many times have I conveniently pretended not to see someone because I'm in a hurry? How many times have I neglected to welcome newcomers at my church because "someone else will do it"? How many times have I smilingly held someone at acquaintance-distance because "I have enough friends to keep up with as it is"?

Perhaps it is not southern hospitality that is dying. Perhaps it is Christian hospitality. Isn't that where southern hospitality found its source? Hospitality is opening your heart and home--an unconditional acceptance of someone. In Luke 14:12-14, Jesus said, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." This is true hospitality. This is the heart of the Christian faith. When it has died, it will be a sad thing indeed.

Year's End

O love beyond compare,
Thou art good when thou givest,
when thou takest away,
when the sun shines upon me,
when night gathers over me.
Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,
and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still,
in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.
Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
with thee as the blessed Pilot of my future as of my past.
I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.
If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,
thou wilt be with me in them;
If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,
I shall not drown;
If I am to die,
I shall see they face the sooner;
If a painful end is to be my lot,
grant me grace that my faith fail not;
If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,
I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

What Is Christianity?

What is Christianity? Is it some stale set of values for upper-class white people? Is it a conduct book of societal taboos and mores? A dead carcass of Victorian ideals?

No. It is a living thing. An invincible hope of tempered steel that grows stronger under each blow; an unsinkable faith in the midst of heart-crushing circumstances; an incomprehensible love that dies in agonies of compassion for those who spit in its face. It transcends time, culture, socioeconomic class, gender, ethnicity and mental capacity. Christianity is for the mentally handicapped, the soul steeped in sin from infancy, the fundamentalist zealot, the pristine million-dollar-man and the rotten slum-dweller; it is for the Thai girl shivering in the dark waiting for her next customer; it is for the Amazonian boy whose body is a feverish battleground of fire and water, it is for the Grecian man contemplating the brevity of life amidst century-old ruins; it is for the middle-class American woman whose biggest decision is what to wear.

The beauty of Christ is that He meets us where we are. He wades into the miry stench and leads us out of the muck. He tenderly removes the rancid idols from our clenched hands, cleanses the putrid impurities from our pores, and clothes us in His righteousness. And when we cross our arms like rebellious two-year-olds or plug our ears like immature teens, He smiles and showers us with grace anyway.

Christ blesses the people with their book of rules and lists and duties they've been checking off since birth, and He blesses the day-old Christian who knows no more of theology than the mysteries of the universe. Christ blesses the hard-working as well as the prodigal. And when we in our twisted, egotistical sense of justice whine that it isn't fair because they have only worked one hour when we have born the heat of the day, He smiles and replies gently, "'Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?'" --Matthew 20:13-15

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares
the LORD." --Isaiah 55:8.

Praise God.

A Man Like Nehemiah

9-17-09

Before my youth pastor preached on the book of Nehemiah, it was just another book that I breezed over. I never studied or appreciated it, but now I wonder how I missed it! After reading it, I fell in love with the book of Nehemiah and I think it's pure injustice that David and Jonah get all the bible story fame while Nehemiah is glossed over! Personally, I think Nehemiah was a godlier man than David or Jonah ever were. You didn't see Nehemiah murdering a man and stealing his wife or writhing on the ground begging to be killed because his plant died.

After much serious contemplation, I have decided that I want to marry a man just like Nehemiah. Allow me to share why...

First of all, Nehemiah is a man of passion who knows how to pray. In the very first chapter, we see the depth of his love for Israel when one of his friends brings him news of Jerusalem's fallen estate. When Nehemiah heard this, he "sat down and wept and mourned for many days...fasting and praying before the God of heaven." Then he prays a long intimate prayer of pleading and confession, reminding God of his promises to the children of Israel and asking for mercy.

Second he is bold and courageous. When the king notices Nehemiah's downcast expression and asks him, "Why is your face sad, since you are not sick? This is nothing but sorrow of heart." Nehemiah "became dreadfully afraid and said to the king, 'May the king live forever! Why should my face not be sad, when the city, the place of my fathers' tombs lies waste, and its gates are burned with fire?" Even though he's 'dreadfully afraid,' he doesn't brush it off and say, "oh, it's nothing, king." He boldly states the cause of his sorrow with conviction and compassion for his people. Then the king asks him, "what do you request?" So Nehemiah eloquently informs the king of his desire to return to Jerusalem.

Third, he is a born leader. After the king grants his request, he goes back, surveys the city and tells the people, "Come let us build the wall of Jerusalem, that we may no longer be a reproach." He encourages the people by telling of the success God gave him with the king. So the people say, "Let us rise up and build," and they go to it! But I love this next part! When Sanballat, Tobiah and Geshem (three very powerful officials) hear what the Israelites are doing they laugh at them and despise them. But Nehemiah answers them and says, "The God of heaven Himself will prosper us; therefore we His servants will arise and build, but you have no heritage or right or memorial in Jerusalem." Ouch! He basically told them to get out of there--they didn't belong in Jerusalem!

Fourth, Nehemiah pays attention to detail. He spends several chapters describing the rebuilding of the walls and the gates, meticulously recording the building process, the dedications, and every man that helps. You gotta love a man that pays attention to detail! But then the bad guys (Sanballat, Tobiah and Geshem) start causing trouble again.

Fifth, he is a brave warrior and a man of faith. When Sanballat and Tobiah stirred up dissension against the Jews, Nehemiah "positioned men behind the lower parts of the wall, at the openings...with their swords, their spears, and their bows." Then Nehemiah gives a stirring speech: "Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses"! And all the people working on the wall "loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction, and with the other held a weapon." Nehemiah kept the man with the trumpet at his side, saying, "Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, rally to us there. Our God will fight for us." So they worked tirelessly, building up the wall and fighting their enemies off by day, and standing guard by night, not even taking their clothes off "except...for washing."

Sixth, he is a wise peacemaker. As if trying to build the wall and fight off enemies isn't enough to deal with, Nehemiah has to deal with a famine causing unrest among his own people. "There was a great outcry of the people and their wives against their Jewish brethren...[saying] 'We have borrowed money for the king's tax on our lands and vineyards...indeed we are forcing our sons and our daughters to be slaves...It is not in our power to redeem them, for other men have our lands and vineyards." So Nehemiah "became very angry" and "after serious thought...rebuked the nobles and rulers saying, 'Each of you is exacting usury from his brother.' Then they were silenced and found nothing to say." Nehemiah begs the men to restore their brethren's land and houses and a hundredth of everything they have taken. And the men agreed saying, "We will restore it, and will require nothing from them; we will do as you say."

Seventh, he has a generous heart. When the people appoint him governor, even though he has the right to governor's provisions, he "did not demand the governor's provisions, because the bondage was heavy on this people." In fact, he "continued the work on this wall and...did not buy any land." In addition, all his servants were gathered to help work on the wall as well.

Eighth, he is wise. After the Israelites finally finish building the wall, Sanballat, Tobiah, and Geshem still aren't satisfied with their trouble-making. They send Nehemiah word saying "'Come, let us meet together among the villages in the plain of Ono.'" But Nehemiah knew they were trying to kill him. So he tells them he's busy with a great work and can't leave. Four times they tried to get him to come but he answers them in the same manner. So when that doesn't work they try to blackmail him. Sanballat sends him yet another letter saying, "It is reported among the nations, and Geshem says, that you and the Jews plan to rebel...Now these matters will be reported to the king. So come, therefore, and let us consult together." But Nehemiah answers, "No such things as you say are being done, but you invent them in your own heart." So after everything they've tried doesn't work, they get an insider named Shemaiah to make Nehemiah break the Jewish law by going into the temple saying, "they are coming to kill you." But Nehemiah replies, "Should such a man as I flee?...I will not go in!"

Ninth, he finishes what he sets out to do. Finally, "the wall was finished...in fifty-two days...and when all our enemies heard of it...they perceived that this work was done by our God." But it was not truly finished for "the city was large and spacious, but the people in it were few...Then my God put it into my heart to gather the nobles, the rulers and the people that they might be registered by genealogy." So he does it. And "when the seventh month came, the children of Israel were in their cities."

Tenth, he keeps God's law. After sealing a covenant, dedicating the wall, delegating temple responsibilities, and creating several reforms, Nehemiah has to deal with merchants trying to come in and sell things on the sabbath. He rebukes the nobles of Judah for profaning the sabbath, then posts his servants at the gates to keep people from bringing their wares in on the sabbath. So the merchants simply camp outside Jerusalem until the sabbath is over. But Nehemiah warns them that if they don't clear out he'll lay hands on them. So "from that time on they came no more on the Sabbath."

Nehemiah was not perfect, but He sought to please the Lord in everything he did, and I believe he was truly a man after God's own heart. That is why I want to marry a man like Nehemiah...

Penitence

"O LORD of Grace,
I have been hasty and short in private prayer,
O quicken my conscience to feel this folly,
to bewail this ingratitude;
My first sin of the day leads into others,
and it is just that thou shouldst withdraw thy presence
from one who waited carelessly on thee.
Keep me at all times from robbing thee,
and from depriving my soul of thy due worship;
Let me never forget
that I have an eternal duty to love, honour and obey thee,
that thou art infinitely worthy of such;
that if I fail to glorify thee
I am guilty of infinite evil that merits infinite punishment,
for sin is the violation of an infinite obligation.
O forgive me if I have dishonoured thee,
melt my heart,
heal my backslidings, and
open an intercourse of love.
When the fire of thy compassion warms my inward man,
and the outpourings of thy Spirit fill my soul,
then I feelingly wonder at my own depravity,
and deeply abhor myself;
then thy grace is a powerful incentive to repentance,
and an irresistible motive to inward holiness.
May I never forget that thou hast my heart in thy hands.
Apply to it the merits of Christ's atoning blood whenever I sin.
Let thy mercies draw me to thyself.
Wean me from all evil, mortify me to the world,
and make me ready for my departure hence,
animated by the humiliations of penitential love.
My soul is often a chariot without wheels,
clogged and hindered in sin's miry clay;
Mount it on eagle's wings and cause it to soar upward to thyself."

This book has been such an enrichment to my quiet time. Its depth and eloquence put into words what my heart can only feel.